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Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Heart

(Just to let you know....Angel Baby Mariah Journal Post)

2 and 3/4 months...

You finally get to a point where you actually can make it through each day. You are confidant that you have conquered the hardest part, and with the help of the Lord, you have made it over the hump. Though you're not up to full speed, you finally feel like it actually is possible to get there again, and the hope that the very thought of that brings is extra motivation to keep putting all your faith and trust in the Lord as you put one foot in front of the other. You have made it through "just surviving" and are oh so grateful for the strength of the Lord and your new ability to "cope". Ahhh, this is such a better place. And you are so glad to be there. You are stronger than you thought, and that feels good. You know God has a plan, and though you can't figure it out, you're okay with it. You can actually feel that truth, its made its way past going around and around in your head and has found its way into your heart. Thank Heavens. You breathe a million sighs of relief, and smile a little. It feels good. The pieces of your heart are mending.

Then one day you wake up crying. You cry and cry, the tears keep coming and coming.

They leave salty streaks down your cheeks all day long, no matter how hard you try to hold them back. The new scar tissue on your heart fails, and your heart is ripped apart once more. You feel defeated. All those days of hard work trusting the Lord and putting one foot in front of the other out of sheer will power over and over again have brought you to....a day like this.

And that is why grief is so so very hard.

So here I am, starting again. Not all the way from the beginning, but for today, it feels very close. I search for truth, and find one to start running the seemingly endless marathon around and around in my head.

"O ye my people, lift up your heads and be comforted, for behold the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, not withstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made. Therefore lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..... "
Mosiah 12:8-9

And I pray I will soon feel that truth. I need it to make its way past going around and around in my head, and find its way into my heart.


I will "lift up my head and be comforted". My Shepherd will give me the strength to do it.

12 comments:

Likely said...

I can't even imagine. I really can't. I just ache for you. That picture is just heart wrenching.

You are a strong woman. I even think in our times of "weakness" when we are crying and sad, we are still strong. We can be strong in our emotions. It is okay to have those days. They help us become stronger too.

I love you. I am so happy to know about your blog.

Likely said...

Likely is me, Tiffany Rueckert :) by the way....

Dawn said...

I will give extra prayers for you tonight. I love you!

mom2beachbums said...

((((huge, gentle HUGS))) to you Catherine. I am so sorry and I'm praying for your heart. It is so unfair. I feel insincere saying these things, but I mean it and love you very much and want to take your pain away.

amber said...

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12.

Keep growing your hope tree. I love you!

Catherine said...

I think your faith is stronger than you think it is, especially on days like this. Because you know it's only a temporary setback and you're not starting over on day one. And it's okay to "borrow" someone else's faith on days like this. You'll continue to move forward. I wish you would call me and let me take you out for ice cream!

Joanna said...

I may have said this before, but one thing I know for certain is that YOU will be the answer to someone else's heartbroken prayers. You will help someone else survive this. You will.

Maria said...

Thank you for your transparency Catherine...from across the miles, you are near to my heart. Praying for you, Brian, the kids and the grandparents...

Cothran Family said...

We love you so much sweet sister and auntie. You are in our hears and prays.

Rae said...

How I love you Sis! Sooooo sooooo sooooo sooooooo much! Feel my arms around you again...it wasn't that long ago they were there. I cry with you and can't wait to hear that you're okay once more. Love love love love love love love love love you!

Lynne said...

Oh, my precious girl. I pray this is just a "pot hole" in your road and a very brief stopper at best. Your strength comes and goes, it's true, but the sun always rises tomorrow, and the good Lord is always close when you reach out. My arms hurt to hold you and I wish I could take away the sorrow. The only thing we can do is look forward to the greatest time of all when we can all be with the Savior and our precious Mariah again, for if one thing's for sure......That Will Come!!!!!xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Sommer said...

Oh Catherine, I don't even know what to say. I'm crying with you dear friend. I will keep praying for you and I love you.