2 and 3/4 months...
You finally get to a point where you actually can make it through each day. You are confidant that you have conquered the hardest part, and with the help of the Lord, you have made it over the hump. Though you're not up to full speed, you finally feel like it actually is possible to get there again, and the hope that the very thought of that brings is extra motivation to keep putting all your faith and trust in the Lord as you put one foot in front of the other. You have made it through "just surviving" and are oh so grateful for the strength of the Lord and your new ability to "cope". Ahhh, this is such a better place. And you are so glad to be there. You are stronger than you thought, and that feels good. You know God has a plan, and though you can't figure it out, you're okay with it. You can actually feel that truth, its made its way past going around and around in your head and has found its way into your heart. Thank Heavens. You breathe a million sighs of relief, and smile a little. It feels good. The pieces of your heart are mending.
Then one day you wake up crying. You cry and cry, the tears keep coming and coming.
They leave salty streaks down your cheeks all day long, no matter how hard you try to hold them back. The new scar tissue on your heart fails, and your heart is ripped apart once more. You feel defeated. All those days of hard work trusting the Lord and putting one foot in front of the other out of sheer will power over and over again have brought you to....a day like this.
And that is why grief is so so very hard.
So here I am, starting again. Not all the way from the beginning, but for today, it feels very close. I search for truth, and find one to start running the seemingly endless marathon around and around in my head.
"O ye my people, lift up your heads and be comforted, for behold the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, not withstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made. Therefore lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..... "
And I pray I will soon feel that truth. I need it to make its way past going around and around in my head, and find its way into my heart.
I will "lift up my head and be comforted". My Shepherd will give me the strength to do it.