My Heart

(Just to let you know....Angel Baby Mariah Journal Post)

2 and 3/4 months...

You finally get to a point where you actually can make it through each day. You are confidant that you have conquered the hardest part, and with the help of the Lord, you have made it over the hump. Though you're not up to full speed, you finally feel like it actually is possible to get there again, and the hope that the very thought of that brings is extra motivation to keep putting all your faith and trust in the Lord as you put one foot in front of the other. You have made it through "just surviving" and are oh so grateful for the strength of the Lord and your new ability to "cope". Ahhh, this is such a better place. And you are so glad to be there. You are stronger than you thought, and that feels good. You know God has a plan, and though you can't figure it out, you're okay with it. You can actually feel that truth, its made its way past going around and around in your head and has found its way into your heart. Thank Heavens. You breathe a million sighs of relief, and smile a little. It feels good. The pieces of your heart are mending.

Then one day you wake up crying. You cry and cry, the tears keep coming and coming.

They leave salty streaks down your cheeks all day long, no matter how hard you try to hold them back. The new scar tissue on your heart fails, and your heart is ripped apart once more. You feel defeated. All those days of hard work trusting the Lord and putting one foot in front of the other out of sheer will power over and over again have brought you to....a day like this.

And that is why grief is so so very hard.

So here I am, starting again. Not all the way from the beginning, but for today, it feels very close. I search for truth, and find one to start running the seemingly endless marathon around and around in my head.

"O ye my people, lift up your heads and be comforted, for behold the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, not withstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made. Therefore lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..... "

Mosiah 12:8-9

And I pray I will soon feel that truth. I need it to make its way past going around and around in my head, and find its way into my heart.

I will "lift up my head and be comforted". My Shepherd will give me the strength to do it.

Happy Birthday, Chopin!

Kamberlynne's student recital tribute to the great classical composer on his 200th birthday!

Waltz in B Major by Frederic Chopin

He couldn't have done better himself!!! Ok, well, maybe only a teeny bit!

Rebekah's first one.....

Now you see it.....


Now you don't.....


I'll spare you the details!!!!


All's well that ends well, right?!?!?

Back to Blogging...and a lot of it! Post #5

I love family traditions, and this is one of my favorites!

As a family, we try to read from the scriptures together morning and night. I read with the children from The Bible to start school each day, and we end the day reading The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ all together as a family. Our prophet has asked us to study the scriptures together daily, with a special emphasis on the Book of Mormon. As we have done our best, we have grown in scriptural knowledge, peace in our home, and love for our Savior. Since we began back in 1998, we have read it through as a family 6 times! As a celebration for finishing each time, we take the kids pictures all dressed up as missionaries, and share with them our testimonies of the divinity of this sacred record.

Take a picture tour down Book of Mormon Memory Lane with us!

Our third time through, and first time taking pictures, June 2003! Look at those adorable little guys! And could that darling girl really be Kamberlynne?

Our fourth time through, November 2005. Bekah joins the fun!

Our fifth time through, November 2007. Briella was just a few months old and napping!




And our sixth time through, January 2010! Now Briella's in on the fun!

"Search, ponder and pray
are the things that I must do.
The Spirit will guide,
and deep inside
I know the scriptures are true!"

For more info on the Book of Mormon, or to request a free copy, this is one of my favorite sites.

Back to Blogging...and a lot of it! Post #4

Another milestone passed. No more temporary marker.

I would never have imagined being anxious for my child's burial marker to come in, but I was. I was ready to have the milestone of seeing her name engraved on stone over with. It was both painful and peaceful. It is just such a beautiful name, I love seeing it surrounded by the bow on top and the flowers on the bottom.

I also would never have imagined being a person who would frequent a grave site, but I do. It is both painful and peaceful. Painful, of course, because Mariah is not with me, but peaceful, because I know without a doubt where her spirit is.

I never thought it would be possible to love a cemetery, but I do. Actually, Mariah's cemetery isn't like most. It isn't even called a cemetery, it's called a memorial garden. There aren't headstones sticking up anywhere out of the ground at all, those always sort of creeped me out. This "memorial garden" is intended to look like....well, a garden. All of the markers are laid flat into the earth, and all you see from the road are lots and lots of flowers sticking up out of the ground, That doesn't creep me out at all. I actually think it is very sweet, and if I had to bury a child, I am glad it is in a "garden". Her special place is actually set aside just for babies, it is even called "Baby Land". And in a wierd way, that makes me feel better, too. I am not the only one who has suffered such a devastating loss. When I go to visit Mariah's special place, I pray for the other broken hearts of the parents that laid thier babies to rest, just like me. It is both painful and peaceful.

And I never would have imagined I would think a grave marker or a cemetary could ever be considered lovely. But I do.

Back to Blogging...and a lot of it! Post #3

Sometimes it's hard to be humble. Especially when your dad is Superman.

Top scorer on the team.

Top scorer in the league.

And the best fans anywhere!


Sometimes its hard to be humble. Especially when your husband is Superman!

Back to Blogging...and a lot of it! Post #2

Every year we pray for snow! And this year, we are getting it. This weekend we were a part of history in the biggest MD blizzard since 1922!!! I'll post that later! These are a couple of pictures are from the 5 incher we got earlier in the week!

Isn't this hilarious?!?!?



Once there was a snowman....


With temperatures reaching 40 degrees that day, he was gone just a few hours later!

Back to praying for more!!!

Back to Blogging....and a lot of it! Post #1

Is This Really My Boy....

Brian assures me it is! It was a big birthday year for Christian, the big twelve!

In our home, that is the official "you're a big kid now" marker, and at church as well. Christian now begins his service as a Deacon, and has the opportunity to serve and watch over The Lord's Church and His people. Our little... ummm, I mean big...guy has been preparing for quite some time, and was thrilled to have his dad put his hands on Christian's head and confer the priesthood upon him. A special, special day! Doesn't he look handsome and so grown up in his new "I'm a big kid suit"?

And for such a big birthday year, Christian got TWO celebrations! The first one was a big surprise...the night before his actual birthday, some of Christian's favorite people came and kidnapped him to go ice skating while the rest of us set up the fun surprise! He had no idea, but sure loved every minute!

Friends, aunts, uncles, cousins...and it's not often you get to have BOTH sets of grandparents around for your birthday celebration!


Pretty special! Add a super duper double chocolate cake, and it was just about the best night ever!


And really, the only thing that could top that off was mom's super duper quadruple layer chocolate cake on the actual big day! Almost as sweet as you are, cute boy!


Happy Birthday, wonderful boy! We all love you so much, and are so happy to have you in our family! You fill our family with laughter, our walls with dragon pictures, your imagination with adventure, and our hearts with love!

You are so loved!

May all your wishes come true!